Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
