I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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