My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Im part way to drunk.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
