what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
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