Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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