I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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