Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
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