my vag is so smooth its legendary
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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