I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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