Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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