WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
