Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
