Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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