I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
