I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
