i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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