The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
