proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
