happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
