My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
