So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
