Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Randomize
