Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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