this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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