She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
did i just pee glitter
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
