So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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