I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
