Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
