im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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