Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
