Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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