A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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