I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
