highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
this just has baby written all over it
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
