I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
