You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize