my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
