: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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