i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
