Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
