if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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