were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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