I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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