Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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