On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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