I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
