I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
