I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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