I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize