It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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