I think I can smell my own vagina right now
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
