My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Randomize
