He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
