My friends, they love my intelligence
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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