If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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