Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
