If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize