Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
