so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
