Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
